Smart Women

Victory Up: Stepping Up to Your Victory

2007-02-07T14:17:00.000-05:00

Recently, I received an email submission at www.victoriouswoman.com, my Victorious Woman website. In it, a woman tells how her family dismissed her “like she didn't exist at all,” and was “given away like a used piece of furniture, no longer needed.” She doesn’t say how she was given away or by whom (adoption, spousal abandonment, ignored by her children…or something else). However, she says that she still carries the effects of abuse, neglect & abandonment 30 years later and refers to someone (presumably her) who, because of family members, “wakes up everyday of their life wishing that they were never born.” Her email ends wanting to know what I think of her family for treating her so badly.

Obviously, this woman is in great emotional pain. I have several responses, which I’ll address both to her and to all my readers.

First of all, the emailer only wants commentary on the people she believes wronged her. That makes me think she is choosing to live her life as a victim, a thought process (not a reality) that becomes a lifestyle filled with blame for others with an inordinate focus on self, and too much time spent indulging in self-pity. It’s unhealthy for any woman to use so much precious time focusing on and needing justification for past hurts. It’s far more beneficial and self-nourishing for a woman to put her thoughts on what she has control over – that is, working toward a happier, more compelling future. I believe spending each day (for 30 years!) regretting being born is a waste of time…and life.

Next, whenever I strategize with any woman about her life, it’s her victory (or potential victory) that I focus on more than anything else. None of us can change our past, but we can be victorious over it. However, the only way we can do that is by concentrating on the things we can change – about our behaviors or specific parts of our life, lsuch as your work, family, leisure, etc.

So, if I was talking to you, I would ask these questions:
- Why do you want me to only focus on the other people, not you?
- What have you done to better your life, in spite of your family?
- What responsibility are you taking for your life?
- If you would become victorious over this situation, what would that look like?
- What are your current plans for self-improvement?
- What are you doing TODAY to make this day happy?

Whatever the answers, if you are a woman who feels victimized by life, you need to start believing that you have the POWER OF CHOICE. Everyone chooses whether to live in sadness, depression and regret OR chooses to give up the victim lifestyle and make a better life. Quit looking for acceptance from people who don’t, and maybe can’t, give it.

Look instead to the future and CHOOSE TO REFOCUS your life. In this very moment, commit your thoughts and actions to taking only strong and positive steps forward. In the beginning, that could mean something as simple as finding one positive thing each day to look forward to. Just that small step will lift your spirits each day and get you on a victory path.

From my own experience in an abusive family, I know creating victory is easier said than done. Sometimes, you need professional help in dealing with your feelings. If that’s the case, commit to getting it. Or, you may have a greater need for a support group. There are churches and organizations that have meetings for dealing with nearly every difficult life situation. Find one and go. I personally have done both over the years and have found the effort worth the time, money and energy. Whichever you choose, take positive action, start now and don’t give up!

Finally, set goals and work on them. Start with something small and build your confidence. Create your own victories. I know from experience that, while victory is different for every woman, only you can make it happen for yourself. I also know that one victory usually leads to another…and another.

Also, I pray that you learn that you are loved. Remember, however, as Victorious Woman Tekki teaches us, the most powerful love is the one you have for yourself.

For my readers who want to read more on this topic next week, check back next week and I’ll talk a little about the Stepping Stones to Victory.

With the best intentions,
Annmarie

©AnnmarieKelly2007. All Rights Reserved.

With apologies

2007-01-11T15:45:00.000-05:00

Many of you signed up for my e-course, Seven Steps to Victory, from mid-December until now. I didn't know you didn't get the course and I apologize. It was NOT an intentional slight. It seems there were technical difficulties that I didn't know about until someone emailed me at info@victoriouswoman.com and let me know. Thanks, Janie!

The problem is being fixed and e-course will be going out to you early next week or sooner. Thanks for hanging in there!

SMART WOMEN: STEPPING UP TO VICTORY

2006-10-16T13:59:00.000-04:00

Earlier this month I was a featured author at the Baltimore Book Festival. It was a fun event and I was lucky to be scheduled during hours that had the best weather.

In this venue, I interacted with many wonderful women and had many conversations. Here are the highlights of nearly every exchange:

1 – Every woman over age thirty agreed that she felt pressured to put her own needs and aspirations aside to accommodate those of others, both at home and at work.

2 – Most agreed that we are socialized - through advertising, politics, work and religion – to think of ourselves as “less than” our male counterparts.

3 – Every woman understood my explanation of the “Surviving Woman” – the woman who usually settles for what she can get instead of going after what she wants. Sadly, most identified with her.

4 – Many women either resisted or couldn’t grasp the idea of a Victorious Woman. She understood positive images like women and success or achievement, but not VICTORY, associating that idea instead with politics, war, sports and religion (and didn’t want to be identified with those).

5 – One by one, as we talked about the Victorious Woman, each fully embraced it. For most of the women, it was as though they finally had permission to talk about themselves positively, without undercutting what they did. They enthusiastically shared their own victorious stories and told me how, deep down, they aspire to a more victorious life – though they didn’t really think it would be possible.

What about you? Do you think of Victory as something for religious zealots, four-star generals, sports team and politicians? If you do, THINK AGAIN.

VICTORY is about YOU. It is about the CHOICES you make everyday – choices that flow from your desire to be your best self and live on purpose – your purpose, not the one someone else decides for you.

Want to be more victorious? Here’s a beginner’s exercise: Close your eyes, go twenty years into the future and look back to now. What are your victories? Write down at least three. Coming back to now, how do you have to think and act differently to make those future victories become realities? Some examples: you could change your own toxic or self-sabotaging behaviors, find your voice and speak up more, develop a greater sense of self-respect, refuse to settle for the behaviors of disrespectful or demeaning people.

In my Victorious Woman Workshops, I take lots of time focusing on WOMEN AND VICTORY. As the activities and discussions develop, the participants are energized. In one of the first Victorious Woman Workshops, a woman told me that she would never again look at victory in the same way…and, as a result, her life was forever positively changed. I’ve heard that comment many times since then. And it’s about time….for every woman to think about her life as one of victory. You can learn more at http://www.victoriouswoman.com/

©Copyright Annmarie Kelly. 2006. All Rights Reserved. If you wish to use anything from this newsletter, you need to get written permission. Call 610.738.8225 or email to info@victoriouswoman.com

SMART WOMEN: PINK THINK

2006-09-15T09:00:00.000-04:00

Designers Have Spoken: Long Bangs for Fall
Who Tells You How To Look?

“Long, into the eyes,” said the stylist showing off his version of this season’s new hairdos on a morning talk show. The man with short hair that was not in his eyes, admitted that the bangs would be a little irritating to live with every day. But, he insisted with a dismissive hand wave, it looks great.

Once again, fashion is telling women that they should invest themselves in something (in this case, a haircut) that distracts from their lives. Worse yet, but not unexpected, the stylist isn’t even practicing what he preaches – probably because even he knows how impractical his hairstyle is.

I put this type of arrogance into the same category with designers who hire anorexic models to show off their clothes. They justify their actions by telling us that “Fashion is about fantasy.” In whose depraved fantasy are women almost-invisible stick figures who can’t see? Only a perverse one, you can be sure.

Recently, Spain banned those sad, emaciated creatures from the runway. All models must pass minimum body fat standards to be in design shows. That means a full ten (or more!) pounds heavier than the average model. And, believe it or not, that heavier weight is still 10-15 pounds less than that of the average, healthy-weight woman.

Every woman is WAY MORE than the size of her breasts or dress size and the length of her bangs. As women, we must focus on that MORE – more smarts, more organizational ability, more common sense – and make those our new standards. When we downplay our best qualities, we denigrate the work we do, both in and outside the home, with ourselves, our career, our parents, our children and our home.

Let’s never forget fashion’s fantasy is really about money. Most of it is created by people whose only interests are making a name for themselves and making more money. As long as we are buying the shtick of the fashion (and diet) world, they’ll keep putting it out there. When we STOP BUYING, they’ll stop selling. Only then will fashion think about designing for real women.

©Copyright Annmarie Kelly. 2006. All Rights Reserved. If you wish to use anything from this newsletter, you need to get written permission. Call 610.738.8225 or email to info@victoriouswoman.com

SMART WOMEN: STEPPING UP TO VICTORY

2006-09-06T22:12:00.000-04:00

SUCCESSFUL GOALSETTING

My August 30 blog talked about a new exercise program that required a 7-day back-to-back commitment. I prepared to do it on vacation, and started the day after I got to Maine.

However, the day after that blog posted, as I started that day's exercise, I had a really negative reaction. My muscles hurt so much that I felt angry and started to cry. Left to my own devices, I would have quit that day. Fortunately, my spouse (who I asked to be my buddy for this), encouraged and cajoled me into continuing. I did. Then, I finished the 7-day program and moved onto the next phase.

In the whole scheme of goal achievement, those "ready to quit" feelings are common. When we set a goal for ourselves, we agree to push out of our comfort zone. Anytime we do, we are likely to have feelings about giving up - even when we see good results. I was already noticing a positive difference in my posture and I felt really good after the 45-minute session was over. Yet the temptation to stop was amazingly strong.

In my teleclasses, I help women prepare for the quitting stage. We discuss potential obstacles and devise systems that help them get over and through the tough stuff. You are welcome to join the next one, Victory 101: What Your Momma Never Told You But Wishes She Had, starting September 18. For information, info@victoriouswoman.com.

For more tips, sign up for my free e-newsletter at http://www.victoriouswoman.com/newsletter.htm.

Copyright Annmarie Kelly 2006. All Rights Reserved.

SMART WOMEN: MUZZLED

2006-09-01T08:13:00.000-04:00

Who is Shaping Your Self-Image?

Last night I watched a DVD called Mona Lisa Smile with Julia Roberts. I didn't see it when it was in the theater because it got such a terrible reviews. Now I understand why.

Mona Lisa Smile is not your standard "women's movie" or "chick flick." The women don't kill themselves, have abortions, get raped or seek violent revenge on some dog of a guy. In fact, when a newlywed finds herself being cheated on by her new husband of barely a month, she divorces him (something seldom done back then) - much to the chagrin of her mother, who would have preferred that her daughter "make an arrangement" and live with the infidelity.

Mona Lisa Smile's characters are students at a prestigious women's college in 1953. The catalyst is an independent-thinking new teacher who challenges her programmed-to-be-wives students to think independently and be strong. She wasn't well-liked by the faculty...Cheez, what a surprise...

For a historical perspective, 1953 was a time when most women didn't go to college. The well-to-do sent their daughters to college so they would be better prepared to be good wives (thus references to degrees being called an "MRS" degree). If they didn't go to college, they went to finishing school - I'm guessing it was to finish off any non-subservient or non-submissive thoughts they might still have before marriage.

In college and finishing school, young women read books that would expand their minds so they could make better conversation at dinner parties. They learned etiquette and how to be socially adept. All of it so that they would be an asset to their husband's careers.

In contrast, the teacher in Mona Lisa Smile convinces one brilliant student to apply for law school and she gets accepted - early acceptance, no less. It upsets her fiance. An interesting conversation between the teacher and fiance show him thanking the teacher for what she did for his girlfriend. "She'll always have that," he says. When the teacher questions what he means, the fiance explains that he'll be in school in Philadelphia and how could his wife be at school in another state "and still have dinner on the table at five o'clock?"

The part of this movie that I find most striking is not the difference between today and 1953, but the similarities. While it's true that more women are attending college than men and getting married later, they seem to be facing the same challenges as their mothers and grandmothers. It seems that too many women still see themselves, college-educated or not, as secondary partners in marital relationships. So do the men.

Kathy and Toni, two of the women in my book, Victorious Woman! (www.victoriouswoman.com) didn't go to college because their fathers couldn't see the sense of it. After all, according to them, why have a college degree just to get married and have children.

More recently, an brilliant intern who worked with me for a while admitted that sometimes she "dumbs down" to get a guy to ask her out. Another intern told me that most of her friends plan to work a while, maybe even have a career, but quit when they have children because it's too hard to do both.

What we, as a society, seem not to want to learn is that being a strong women who can take care of herself leads to attracting a man who can work as a partner in a relationship. Interdependence between couples is key. It isn't something that our culture applauds or our media likes to focus on (because it doesn't sell product like diet aids).

However, as long as movies like If These Walls Could Talk (the highest watched HBO movie), Thelma and Louise, Waiting to Exhale (all about women as victims) and other, more recent movies continue to be the standard, and as long as a strong man is considered powerful while a strong woman is considered a bitch, I don't know that the paradigm will shift. And that, my friends, will be a shame for all of us - men, women and children.

What do you think?

SMART WOMEN: STEPPING UP TO VICTORY

2006-08-30T22:43:00.000-04:00

Sticking to Your Commitments

Deep in the woods of Maine, near the beautiful Acadia National Park, I'm working on a victory. In addition to hiking challenging trails and walking beautiful carriage paths, I'm starting a unique exercise program. My new program is designed to burn fat, build muscle, improve posture and enhance health. However, it has a unique requirement: Phase I is a 45-minute workout that has to be performed for seven consecutive days.

Why am I doing this on my vacation? When I first read the instructions, I didn't think much about the seven-day requirement. I exercise regularly, so 45 minutes was no big deal. Then I tried the workout and WHEW! It was more intense than almost anything I'd ever done. In fact, I could barely make it through the instructional programs. Right then, I knew I wouldn't be able to do seven days while maintaining my usual schedule. After thinking about it, I came up with a doable two-part strategy that focused on planning and motivation.

Planning: Since I knew I'd have time on vacation, I decided to use the month leading up to vacation to get the individual exercises down and build up my stamina with the two 15-minute instructionals. By doing that, I'd be ready and able to complete the 7-day requirement during vacation.

Motivation: While I knew I'd want to follow my strategy, I also knew willingness would be an issue. After all, I am on vacation and saw that as an emotional obstacle. To guard against talking myself out of 7 days of structured exercise, I talked my spouse into joining me.

As of today, I have four days done. Now half-way through the week, I expect I'll get to the end...and count the process as both a goal achieved and a personal victory. Telling you about my plan is extra insurance - and will keep me focused.

When you are working on a victory, begin by thinking it through. First, commit to the achievement. Then, figure out your obstacles. Finally, create a strategy that supports you. Your plan has to fit into your life and, at the same time, address any self-sabotaging behaviors. In my book, Victorious Woman! Shaping Life's Challenges into Personal Victories (www.victoriouswoman.com), I suggest that you get support for your goals in the form of a support group, personal buddy or a victory team. Victorious Woman! will help you find inspiration and motivation so that you can make your life better. You can order a copy at http://www.victoriouswoman.com/order.htm.

SMART WOMEN: STEPPING UP TO VICTORY

2006-08-07T09:59:00.000-04:00

Shrinking To Fit

At http://www.victoriouswoman.com/, I focus on inspiring women to create victory in their lives.

In contrast, I find the media obsession with body size is a multi-million dollar business that destroys a woman’s true beauty. As the 60th anniversary of the bikini became the centerpiece for many TV and news pieces. One of these included side-by-side pictures of Ursula Andress and Halle Berry - both sex symbols of their generations. Shockingly, Andress looked fat. FAT??!! Why? Because her bikini-clad body revealed voluptuous breasts, thin waist and full, shapely hips – all out of style - while Berry's picture showed no waist and flat hips.

Frankly, while Halle Berry is a beautiful woman who seems to shine from the inside out, if you took that picture only from midriff to thighs and put a man's bathing suit on it, I don't believe anyone would have known the difference between Halle and a male model.

My point: Our culture applauds women who are thin and denigrates women who are successful - and it happens because we buy into it. Having lost fifty pounds and maintained that loss, I know very well that the quest for thin demands a lot of logistical organization and emotional energy.

When you are obsessing about being and staying movie star skinny, you don't have much time or mental clarity to focus on the other, more important and more lasting aspects of your greatest - like your intelligence, creativity, organizational abilities, intuitive gifts.

Sure, I could lose another twenty pounds and be a skinny chick – but why? To do it would mean I’d have to give up some of the great pleasures of life in the process as well as some of my most wonderful victories – like feeling good about myself and reveling in my good health. And, I wouldn’t have been able to harness the energy that results in enjoying my own business and the success of my book, Victorious Woman!

What do you think? Do you think that the time most women spend trying to have perfectly skinny bodies takes time and energy away from doing more meaningful parts of their lives?

SMART WOMEN: STEPPING UP TO VICTORY

2006-07-24T17:18:00.000-04:00

Goals vs. Victories

What do you think is better - achieving a goal or having a victory?

If you want more success, money, happiness or anything else that makes your life better, it's important to know the difference. Otherwise, you might waste your time and energy chasing something that won't ever be enough.

A GOAL is a targeted event or outcome that you chose and pursue. You take steps and use methods that result in successful outcomes. Work goals might include earning more money, being promoted, finding a more rewarding job, or winning an award. Personal goals could be exercising regularly, getting your first apartment, having a baby, or buying a house. These are definite, measurable outcomes for specific efforts.

In contrast, a VICTORY is the “something good” that happens inside when you stretch past your current limits, often in pursuit of an idea or a burning desire. Sometimes victory takes you further than you ever dreamed. Other times, victory lays the foundation for bigger goals and future successes.

Victory provides you with the push you need to succeed in the midst of overwhelming challenges. Victory often begins with a goal...but never ends there.

One woman's victory can inspire others. What's the most VICTORIOUS thing you've ever done and how was it a victory for you?

I'm looking forward to hearing from- and being inspired by - you!

Annmarie

For more inspiration about real women who faced overwhelming obstacles check out www.women-smart.com and www.victoriouswoman.com